adieu, nénés

It’s been a bit of a while since I’ve written, though really, nothing much has happened. My drain was removed about 3-4 days after it was put it, which was a HUGE relief. And things were relatively uneventful after that.

Until now.

Sometime last week I noticed a growing redness on the underside of my breasts. I didn’t think much of it since I had an appointment coming up for this Thursday (21st) and my PS could just look at it then. Well, between Friday and this morning, the reddening worsened, part of my skin started looked abrased and chafed and a blister developed on my left breast. So, I called my PS’s office and went in today to have it looked at — especially since it was becoming quite painful.

Apparently, I have become an anomaly. My PS has never seen anything like it, and this is coming from the man that performs ~150 breast reductions a year for at least the past 8-10 years. His first assumption was that I was having an allergic reaction to something, but I have no known allergies and haven’t changed anything in my regimen except for one thing: I’ve been using Hibiclens, an antimicrobial skin cleanser that was recommended to me by him in order to keep possible infections at bay. As he put it, “I’ve never heard of someone being allergic to Hibiclens!” Well, maybe I am!

So, I was told to put an OTC hydrocortisol cream over them, cease using Hibiclens for the time being and come back on the 2nd of September (or call them if it doesn’t approve by then).

We’ll see how it all pans out. But for the time being, as far as my plastic surgeon goes, I’m one of a kind amongst all his other cases.

I haven’t decided if this is flattering or not yet.

I have to say, this drain has been THE most painful part of my entire surgery. Yesterday I had a lot of leakage outside of the tube as well — so much so that the entire right area of my surgical vest was soaked. So I decided I should take it off and wash it. Just taking off my top and vest was so painful it almost brought me to tears. Really. This drain is NOT fun.

To say I’m miserable with it is an understatement. I’ve drained about 35 mL in fluid so far and emptied my bag today so we’ll see how much I manage to leak out tomorrow as well. If I have to keep this in much longer, though, I’m going to demand another prescription for painkillers. This drain is VERY, VERY painful! Just breathing with it in hurts.

So I went to see the other plastic surgeon this morning. At this point I have mixed emotions about how it went. He decided that the fluid needed to be drained.

There’s noting quite like lying on your back while a doctor wiggles and jiggles a hollow needle around the inside of your breast, suctioning out as much fluid as possible. To add insult to injury (and at this point I am definitely feeling the ‘injury’), he then inserted a drain — one of the main things I was hoping to avoid. So now I have to walk around with a long tube hanging out of the bottom of my shirt with a plastic bulb attached at the end to collect all of the fluid.

I feel drained (pun intended). I would say this is perhaps one of the most uncomfortable and disgusting moments of my life. I generally have a strong tolerance for such things, but it even makes me cringe to gently move around my breast only to feel the tube and hear the fluid squishing about. And to watch it all travel down the tube to the reservoir in my pocket? YUCK!

I don’t know how sleeping with this thing is going to go, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be pleasant …

Ah yes. Some people have asked how long the drain must stay in. The answer is: I don’t know. Sunday at the earliest, but it could remain in for a longer period of time. As I was told, the worst case scenario would be that not all the fluid drains and they will have to RE-OPEN my breast to get it all out. How charming.

Today’s XKCD comic really brought a smile to my face — mostly because this is a situation I don’t think will really occur anymore! Pre-surgery, my bras had a MINIMUM of 3 hooks in the back, but usually it was 4. I was very strapped in! And thus, the poor boys that would find themselves with me really had a hard time trying to “break the code”. In all of my 8-9 years of being with guys, not a SINGLE ONE could remove my bra with ease! Smug men who professed they could undo a bra with one hand had an ego adjustment after being faced with my harness!

But now? I can choose to be free and braless (which is great), but I’ve noticed that bras in my new size range have a refreshingly LOW number of hooks — only one to two! Part of me (the part that doesn’t realise I no longer have massive boobage) wonders if one or two hooks is ENOUGH on a bra?

Today I called my plastic surgeon’s office regarding the fluid retention in my right breast. When my boob is sounding like a water balloon, well, I think it’s time to give the PS a call. But because my plastic surgeon is on vacation this week, his office called another plastic surgeon that mine is partnered with to ask him about the fluid in my boob.

That plastic surgeon stated he’d like to take a look at it and that I should come in tomorrow. The available time slot for me? 7:30 AM. Now, for those that DON’T know me, I’m not a morning person. I don’t even start to turn until 9 AM! So, to say the least, I’m not going to be a happy camper tomorrow.

It feels strange to hear my female friends say, “Wow! I never thought I’d see the day when I had bigger boobs than Rowan!” I am truly a member of the IBTC (itty-bitty titty committee) now. While walking in a department store today, I stopped by the lingerie and while I didn’t try any bras on just yet, I did hold some cups up to my boobs and it does seem like I am a US B cup. Some ruder people (women) keep harping on me that my boobs are now “too small”, that I should have gone to a D. But I think they’re just jealous that they can’t wear shirts without a bra and I can!

I’m not one for spending lots of money on creams when I have no prior knowledge on their efficacy and such is the case for scar reducing creams. When I started this journey, I knew I would have scars — anyone who thinks they won’t is just fooling themselves. Honestly, if the thought of having permanent scars on your breasts bothers you, don’t get a breast reduction.

That said, it was brought to my attention that lavender essential oil has some (supposed) scar reducing properties. Because I had access to free lavender essential oil, I thought Hey! Why not? If anything, my breasts will smell like lavender, which I find to be a very pleasant smell. So, yesterday I began applying the oil to my incision lines twice a day. We’ll see how well it works, though I have to sadly admit this cannot be a truly scientific investigation since there is only one subject being tested and no control.

Through much discussion with many male friends, I had been under the generalised impression that scars didn’t matter so much. However, it’s recently come to light that scarred boobies really seem to bother some men. Perhaps because I have a strong, frank personality, my reaction to this is simple: if the fact my breasts are scarred PERMANENTLY bothers someone, then they shouldn’t be with me. These aren’t the only scars I have. I have a large scar on my knee from an accident when I was 6 and I had to get almost 60 stitches in that knee. Now, my right knee cap looks slightly different from the left. I have stretch marks — and not from child bearing, either. They’re simply there from growth or weight gain. While I sometimes strive for perfection in some areas of my life, over the past few years I have come to terms with the fact I will never have the perfect body. The fact my areolae were different sizes bothered me at first, but given a few days of thought, reflection, and support from friends, this doesn’t bother me anymore, either. I have accepted it.

I debated on and off if I would show pictures of my naked breasts. I’m still prone to bouts of shyness and I don’t know many women who would willingly bare their breasts on the internet for all to see. But the bottom line is that I am not ashamed of my scars — no woman who undergoes this surgery should be.

I think I’m doing better — at least emotionally. Physically I hurt myself Friday by carrying more than I was supposed to and then Saturday I noticed some bruises appearing under my ribcage.

My surgical vest was really irritating those bruises, so I slept Friday night braless and spent a bit of Saturday without a bra, too. I think the best thing about this surgery so far is that I CAN go braless. It’s the best thing ever. No swaying, no wiggles and jiggles. The ta-tas stay where they’re supposed to be, my nipples are even with each other so even if they show through my shirt, they are where they’re supposed to be!

I’m still not totally comfortable with my areolae being different sizes, but it isn’t upsetting me as much as it was last week. After doing some research, it seems post-surgery depression can be common for the first two weeks, but shouldn’t exceed that. It’s been almost two weeks since my surgery and thankfully I’m starting to slowly feel more emotionally comfortable with my new body.

I’m still not used to it, though. Often I catch myself just looking down and staring at my chest. When I undress to take a bath, I’ll spend 10 minutes just examining my new body shape. I still don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror.

Perhaps one of the grossest things thus far (aside from the leakage) are the scabs that come off when I take a bath. There aren’t many left anymore (thank goodness), but a few days after the surgical tape was removed, they were coming off against my hand, towel, washcloth, etc. Yuck!

My left nipple, for whatever reason, almost feels MORE sensitive now than it did pre-surgery. My right nipple is the one that gets nerve regeneration pains and is probably at about 65% sensitivity. Overall, I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have kept so much sensation in my nipples — and I’m not even fully healed yet!

There is a lot of fluid in my right breast, which contributes to its uneven size from the left one. This was especially noticed by me when, while jumping around one night, I heard “sloshing” noises coming from my right boob! It seriously sounded like a water balloon. Hopefully the fluid will either leak out or be reabsorbed by the time my appointment on the 7th rolls around, otherwise my doctor may feel it pertinent to insert drains in me.

I guess my appointment yesterday went well enough. My plastic surgeon took off my surgical strips and so now I can see the incision lines, the places where I’ll be permanently scarred for life. However, after getting home, I took off my surgical bra to look at them only to realise that my nipples are not the same size. And this makes me quite upset. I knew I wasn’t going to be PERFECT after this surgery but I did have high hopes for a good level of symmetry between breasts. Now one breast is bigger than the other (at least for now — I’m told it’ll go down and “settle”) and one nipple is larger than the other. In all honesty, I feel like I just want to sit in a corner and cry.

Do I regret having the surgery? Not yet. I suppose I’m just scared that in the coming days, I will …

I wonder what makes it okay to ask someone rude questions about a surgery they just underwent? Do they look like boobs still? Do you regret it? Do you still have any boobs left? Curiosity is one thing, but there are certain questions you should simply never ask someone. PERIOD.

I finished my antibiotic prescription today, which I’m happy about since the particular antibiotic that was prescribed to me made me very dizzy. I also find that a week after my surgery, my pain level has INCREASED. My right nipple now gets these shooting, needle-like pains and both breasts just feel very achy in general. Also, today in particular both of them are quite swollen, adding to my discomfort considerably. The drainage still continues.

Tomorrow I have another check-up appointment with my plastic surgeon. I’ll be sure to write about how it goes when I get back home.

Actually, let me re-phrase that: The Leaky Boobage. Indeed, it’s true. I have some seriously leaky boobs. It’s gross and irritating, but perfectly normal and so I just have to deal with it. And they feel so stiff and swollen! Even though I know they’re swollen, I just hope this isn’t very, very close to their final size because I feel like they’re really quite big right now.

And they aren’t too pretty to look at, either. I expected this, but you can only prepare yourself so much before you actually SEE the end result. And right now I have stiff, swollen, lumpy boobs on my chest. And it feels a bit discouraging that NOTHING looks right on me anymore! I know I’ll get to go shopping soon, but until that time comes, I am not feeling so hot.

It’s probably from being so achy and drugged.