I hear in my mind …
I find myself so perplexed by men. I don’t know that they’ve always confused me so — could it be that back then I thought I knew more than I do now, and now I realise truly how naïve I was? Or could it be that I really did know more then than I do now? And if the latter, where did that knowledge go?
I question my capacity to fall in love again. Have I become too cynical and pragmatic for such notions? It’s not that I’m incapable of love — not at all — but am I incapable of being in love?
Maybe the problem lies in that I plot the demise of the relationship before it even grows and blossoms. I look across at the sleeping figure beside me and think, “You’re so wonderfully wonderful, and you’re going to leave me. Maybe not today, tomorrow or even next month — but one day, you’re going to go like the rest.”
And I’ll let you. Without a fight. And I won’t miss you for long, because that’s how I live these days.
I love, get left, and move on. And no one gets a chance to see all of my heart.
I never loved nobody fully,
always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds …
I hear in my mind
all of these voices …
I hear in my mind
all of these words …
I hear in mind
all of this music …
and it breaks my heart…– Regina Spektor, “Fidelity”
Comments
I think when you do finally find, or realize you have, the right one you won’t have these concerns anymore. They won’t even enter your mind. You will both be consumed and the fear and doubt will leave. I dated a LOT of losers till I found my husband. I knew on our 3rd date that I would probably marry him. He told me to get my fat ass out of the car. He was making a very bad joke but I realized that and actually thought it was funny at the time. At that moment I knew “eh, so this is him”
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