Forever January

Five days.

I marvel at the tension that grows in my chest when I think about it, the flipping, twisting, turning sensation that flutters and writhes in my stomach. My rationale says this is nervousness.

I am bloody nervous. So nervous it makes me tremble.

And yet, the realisation still hasn’t fully sunk in that in five days I’ll be seeing you. You’ll become a tangible, touchable reality in only five days.

I hope it all goes beautifully. I hope we get along splendidly.

But most of all …

I hope you like me. Like me? No. More than just like me.

I hope you think I’m wonderful, beautiful, splendid.

I know not the state my heart will be in, in just five days …

I try to fight the countdown in my head. “Just don’t think about it,” I whisper to myself. “Just keep it from your thoughts…”

But I can’t. The numbers and words come crashing through my mind with tsunami-like force.

I feel so small against these emotions, these magnanimous feelings (for you).

And if you didn’t realise it, I’m made of moth wings and glass.

I break ever-so-easily.

Please handle me with care.

So I settled down with blade in hand, ready to eviscerate this fragile heart from my body. I lost myself in the lines dissecting love, in the words that cut to the bone.

The nights have rendered themselves silent to me, the days devoid of meaning. You and I, we reflected on life — is it better to live long and old or go out young? What is the worth of one life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little, we die. We come and go like mayflies on the water.

Is it really so horrible for me to say I’m tired of coming and I’m ready to go? My footprint is etched in water — it’ll surely disappear from memory with the next incoming wave.

I remember well the day I looked out to the horizon, out towards the vast sea, and wanted nothing more than to throw myself onto those jagged rocks, to become the sea foam that laps against the shore.

Freedom of the soul never felt so close as it did that day.

How different you look when my heart is no longer blanketed in hope, the fog of idealistic notions has cleared away from my dreaming head. I find myself reflecting on the ability of my heart to overlook your flaws, to ignore the things that make us so obviously wrong for one another, all because I had hope.

I’m uncertain if you could love me. You can’t appreciate the sort of person I am (the kind that makes special trips through the rain to bring you medicine when you’re sick simply because they care), you mock my gentle, sensitive nature. You say you’re playing, that it’s all a sign of affection, of flirtation. But you’re only fooling yourself — I know better. You hate it when I sing, think it’s strange when I stare off while daydreaming, can’t admire my love of languages and the ease in which I pick them up. You mocked from day one all the little things that make me, me.

Still, I don’t know which I prefer: the days my heart was shrouded in hope or the days following when you tore that shroud to pieces? Should I yearn for the halcyon days or be content with the stark knowledge that comes after the downfall?

How long can a heart live without the idealism of the dreamer, without its shroud of hope?

The wind rustled through the dead trees and blew up dust and dirt from the ground, a great, heaving sigh from the belly of the world. The dying sun lit the sky on fire as meteors fell from the heavens. The land was giving its last breath, starkly beautiful even in its final throes of death.

“Don’t leave me,” she whispered into the fabric of his shirt. “I couldn’t bare to live a day without you …”

“Soon there won’t be any days left for us live,” he whispered back. “We’ve reached the end.”

She clung to him with a lover’s desperation. “Lie with me one more time — just once! — under the stars,” she pleaded.

“Darling,” he sighed against her cheek as he stroked her hair, “our stars are dead. They’ve passed into the nether. Our stars are dead.”

—

And so I awoke, cold and distressed. I looked over at your sleeping form beside me and wanted to seek comfort from you. But when I leaned in close, you were cold.

The stars inside of you were dead.

What is this languor that has settled over my heart? This rocking, hushing quiet that pervades my being? In my waking moments I am taken back to the days when the sun didn’t set, when the fires burned by the lake throughout the nightless night. I remember the scent of the tar, the susurrous of the wind through the birch leaves. The birds didn’t sleep — and neither did we. Hand in hand we loped down the hill to the water’s edge to dip our toes into the cool depths.

And when I dream — o! do I dream. No matter how hard I try, some memories simply never fade or die with time. Such are the memories I have of you, of us, sharing our last happy moments together during the time of the midnight sun, in the land I once called home and meant it.

I look at the lovers across the room and I can’t help but feel envious of their affections towards one another. I wish that were you and me caressing one another, holding hands, gazing into the other’s face with eyes full of love and wistfulness.

That could have been us. That could have been you and me, together. But we were just too much like luna moths — all we had was one night. One beautiful, sacred night to flap our wings and dance together before the sun rose to our demise.

And still … I haven’t heard your voice in so long. And I find myself wishing mournfully that would have been us …

We laid side-by-side in the fields, yellow dandelions waving in the breeze above us. I find I couldn’t help but keep looking over at you, your hair a firefly’s light set ablaze. And if we lived in a world of gods, I’d thank the deities of my heart for allowing me to know you, to gaze upon your visage in the long blades of grass with the summer sun beating down upon us.

scent of wheat. strawberries. magnolias. taste of spring. smell of autumn.

How does one ever go about discerning what is a dream and what is a nightmare? I go about the long, endless days waiting for you to find me in in this terrestrial existence.

I can only fathom it will be even more beautiful than anything I’ve ever dreamt of us in my dreams.